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I don’t think we can classify Twitter interactions, no matter how frequently they take place or the information shared through them, as friendship.
Why? Because friendships require context. Twitter doesn’t allow for context.
Without context we are left with nothing but the dancing shadows of our own unrealistic expectations.
What’s your favorite way to add context?
My favorites:
Basic – Skype, Email, Gchat
Intermediate – Video skype, snail mail letters (Oh yeah, they matter more than email.)
Advanced – Meeting up in a group setting. (conference, tweetup, the like)
Friendship Fostering – Meeting people, one-on-one or in very small groups for dinner, extended drinks, etc. You know, situations in which you are able to really hear what people say and learn their body language.
By being very, very concise.
Haha! Nice, Jim. Nice.
Over time and hundreds of tweets, doesn’t Twitter become the context for a friendship? However, like coworkers who meet outside of the office only to find that the only thing that they have to talk about is work, it’s likely that Twitter may be the only thing “Twitter Friends” would have talk about.
You’d think that would be the case. Then stories start popping up about people feeling betrayed by the behavior of those they’d considered “friends” but based that classification simply on a number of friendly Twitter chats.
We all want to have friends. Most of us want to be friends to others. It makes sense that we enjoy connections and want more of them.
However, there’s a real temptation to attach the label to online relationships that are not actually friendships because it makes us feel good. That’s dangerous water to swim in.
Definitely dangerous waters. Though I think this can also apply in real life. A person meets someone new. After a while feels a “genuine connection” that has them thought of as a friend, only to find out later that they have spread gossip about you behind your back.
This type of betrayal can happen in both places. However, in the real world you have a physical connection that provides for dealing with the person. On Twitter, or other services, they can just block you.
Also, on the flip side, I’d also hesitate to say that the people I meet on Twitter are NEVER friends. Closing myself off to at least the idea of being friends could greatly change my interaction with people. Maybe it shouldn’t.
Thanks Seth for very thought provoking, and concise post.
Hi Richard,
Yes, it’s a bad thing to write people off entirely. I think many of the people we meet through Twitter have the potential to become friends…I just think its a bad idea to expect friend-like behavior from them when we’ve not given the relationship more context (Dimensions, as Tamsen would say) than exists on Twitter.
Concise takes effort. I’m trying to be better about not taking 3k words to say what only needs 200 words to be clearly stated.
Thanks!
I actually think it takes more to video chat / send snail mail than attend a tweetup. Just me though. Let’s all stay connected as humans, deal?
The snail mail is perhaps worthy of consideration on its own. Yes, let’s stay connected! =)
I think of adding context in terms of adding dimension. Whether in math or in life, to add dimension–to move from line, to surface, to form, to being–you need information, and information (literally) from different coordinates.
A tweet on a screen is one dimension. You see what someone says, but not necessarily how they react. A written interaction provides more information: depth of response, style, responsiveness. Add a voice: inflection, tone, timbre. Add a face: a wink, a smirk, a frown. Meeting the person themselves wraps it all together, and adds posture, energy, presence. You can have relationships with people at each dimension, but the relationships are limited to the form (or lack thereof) that the coordinates provide.
To me, a true friendship is a thing realized in all dimensions, and experienced over time–the most important dimension of all.
A beautiful explanation. Truly so! Thanks!
(As an aside, have you ever thought you knew somebody completely–in every dimension–only to see them interact with their family for the first time and realize there was yet another dimension entirely?)
You’re welcome! But the thanks go to you for the thought-provoking post.
And to your aside: absolutely! But that realization can cut both ways. We forget that there are personal and professional dimensions, too, and they don’t always map to each other.
I love this.
Good post, good replies.
I would note that unlike Facebook, twitter makes no statement of “Friends” only follow or unfollow.
It’s only the self delusional that would claim to have 1000’s of friends.
How many of them will help you move? Or more important, How many of them would help you move a dead body?
Friends?
yeah right!
I just took a sharp look at my group of friends. Based on your question of “would this person help me move a dead body?” I have fewer friends than I’d previously thought.
Down to about 6.
Remarkably, I think there are 10-15 people on Twitter who, given the right circumstances (proximity) would be willing to help me move a body. Does that mean they’re just the types that would help a coroner out on a bad day? =)
Friendship is relative. For some tweeting a bunch is good enough, for others it takes years of in-person interactions. Think it all depends on your trust level and how you gauge people.
“Then stories start popping up about people feeling betrayed by the behavior of those they’d considered “friends” but based that classification simply on a number of friendly Twitter chats.”
Same can be said for any relationship. At the end of the day, the only person you can really ever know is yourself. People change and surprise others all the time…
Very true. I still think Twitter is a form of relationship, not of friendship. Tamsen said it well.
Amusingly, I usually refer to you as “that guy I know from Twitter (and blogs)” because it seems odd to say that we’re friends if I’ve never met you in person. I also sometimes use the term “Twitter-friend.” In the case of Twitter relationships, “friend” definitely needs some kind of modifier to make it accurate.
Back in the days of IRC (ha haaa, I’m a nerd!), I was online-friends with this French guy. When I went to France, I took my dad to a cafe where we met up with him. It was nice…he was a cool guy! But even then, it still wasn’t like a real friendship. I’m not in touch with him now (though maybe I’ll Google him and see what happens!), you know? Context is definitely everything.
I agree and I’m quite comfortable being referred to as “the guy from Twitter” because that accurately describes the relationship. We all know people “from work” or “from the deli.” It’s how we categorize people and remind ourselves of where things started. Twitter, it seems to me, is a good place to start.
Meeting up once only gives you a taste of the reality. It doesn’t complete the picture. You’d need to go through all the initial stages of an IRL friendship even though our online interactions encourage so much exposure early on and it might feel like we know each other already.
No?
I like to think by using emoticons i am adding dimension and context…
:-0
;/
etc.
those can help, for sure. They’re still very much at the highly truncated Twitter level though.
Aren’t there different levels of friendship? I may not help a family member move a dead body…but I consider them all friends.
I have casual friends, work friends, social friends, good friends…etc. I really only have a handful of people I’d step in front of a bullet for. Don’t we all – maybe not consciously – put our friends on a “Tiered” system?
That point made – no, I’m not friends with everyone I follow on Twitter. That would be silly. I follow people to gain insight to different subjects I’m interested in, laugh, learn, etc. Even on Facebook, I’m not friends with everyone there either. Some are just people I’ve lost touch with over the years.
In response to your Tweet: “different levels of relationship, yes. You have a relationship, as a consumer, with the power company. Levels of friendship? no?” I’d argue that yes, you do have different levels friendship – as stated above…
My thoughts.
Different levels of relationship, yes. Of friendship? I’m not sure.
So your notion is that “Twitter friends,” while being in the basement insofar as levels of friendship go, are still friends?
A looser definition of friend, but I see how that could work. Thanks!
I @ people a few times, have a small chat there, maybe get on Gtalk or MSN if they want, then I bug the hell outta them to have a convo on skype until they relent.
After I charm the socks of them and ease them into understanding my Irish accent I refer them to my late great grand dad who has 1 billion euros in the bank ready to move to their bank account, 10% of which is theirs if they cough up their number.
Things usually go quiet at this stage.
Seriously though, friendship has to start somewhere, and for me, twitter is one of the best mediums to begin with. Putting to much expectation on anyone at this stage is most certainly asking for disappointment and add in a healthly dose of perception on our part and we can totally get the wrong idea about folks.
Hence I take the step of developing things further in Gtalk or MSN. Adds some depth, more context and focus.
Its the skype chats that help, and with video its an added bonus.
The next step for me is the meet up and have a few beers bit, if that’s possible considering that most of the people I have met are spread all around the globe…but im fine with drinking my own beer while we chat
But to hell with it, the proof is in the pudding for me, use the tools, get to know each other, and do what you can, when you can, and that’s all you can do, wouldn’t someone who aims for that be considered a friend no matter how you met them?
Very, very quiet.
Having seen you drink a beer over skype and not yet heard an offer about some billion dollar relative, I’d vote you into the solid category.
Good advice.
@sethsimonds Aren’t there different levels of friendship? I may not help a family member move a dead body…but I consider them all friends.
@rachbry5 different levels of relationship, yes. You have a relationship, as a consumer, with the power company. Levels of friendship? no?
Response is more than I can Tweet.
I disagree that we don’t have different levels of friendship. Friendships are a type of relationship – it’s just semantics when you put it that way.
I think we all “tier” our friends – maybe not consciously – but if we think about it, one may realize they do:
Work friends
Social friends
Casual friends
Good friends
Close friends
Family
Name your own
And in that tiered system, don’t we then determine what and how much information about ourselves, our families, our lives that we share with each “group”? Based on the “relationship” or level of friendship we have with that person.
My thoughts.
Isn’t this all about semantics? Humans label each other. It helps us keep things straight and prioritize for levels of trust & investment.
To make it even more complex, you know the phrase, “we’re in a relationship”?
We love our vague references! =)
I think Justin’s advice holds well: Do what you can, when you can.
I think Twitter is a great way to meet new people with similar interests, but I’m a good ole fashioned developer of relationships. I may not interact with my faves on Twitter as often as I want to, but I make sure that from time to time I say hello, contribute to their blogs, and try to go to local events where I may meet them face to face. Friendships are in the eyes of the beholders. I have friends I haven’t spoken to in months, but when I finally catch up with them, it’s “understood” that life can get hectic and we may not be able to physically see each other or talk all the time, but we’re on each others minds.
I totally disagree. While I have many acquaintances that I’ve met in the social media realm – just as I do in real life, I’ve also been fortunate enough to establish many – not a few – many real life relationships with people I met on Twitter or elsewhere, that I would not have had otherwise.
Matt Bernier (@mbernier) has become a close friend and now a colleague on a project, simply because we discovered we share a penchant for good grammar. I saw him last week, as he came to my town for a visit, and I can’t wait to see him next week when I go to his.
I read an article about literature and immediately can’t wait to share it with Roger Hjulstrom (@booksbelow) and see what he thinks. I imagine him in his book-filled home, knowing everything about everything because that’s who he is, and often can’t wait to hear his opinion about something I’ve shared.
And I can’t wait for my next trip to New York, or New Orleans or Boston, because I have so many “people I really like, based on what I know of them so far that I can’t WAIT to meet in real life” that I can barely stand it.
My business partner, @laura_lake and I met via Twitter and now are not only fast friends but have launched a business together. I spend more time with her than I do with my husband these days and I thank the Social Media Gods who brought her into my life and I sure as hell thank goodness that I considered her a “real friend” in spite of where and how we met.
Are those “friendships” real? I think so.
And this is merely a handful of too many too count.
These friendships started, as most do, with casual conversation, sharing and getting to know one another. Sometimes that was through Twitter, sometimes that was via Skype, sometimes via telephone … but just as they do in real life, relationships that start online naturally develop, over time, into something more, and as something that involves more than just communicating online in that venue.
Context is a natural part of that evolutionary process – if you want it to be so.
But to say that those friendships started on Twitter, or anywhere else similar aren’t “real” is really, in my opinion, somewhat short-sighted.
Or maybe that’s just you and your nature. And I’m not calling you short-sighted, don’t misunderstand. But maybe it’s just you. Just your personality. Maybe you’re not capable of forming a relationship with someone in the social media realm and having that relationship morph into something that you define as “real.” Maybe that’s skepticism or curmudgeonliness (hehe) or just a plain old “I’m not interested in exploring what could be because it’s not my gig.”
And there’s nothing wrong with that at all. Kind of like Roger’s recent blog post to the effect that there’s no right way to use or act on Twitter – there’s really no right or wrong way to cultivate and or define friendship. What constitutes a “real” friend for you may be very different than what constitutes a “real” friend for me – and the fact that they are different is – well, kind of cool, isn’t it.
So, I say that, as always, sweeping generalizations are dangerous. Many of the friendships of mine that start via Twitter or some other social media venue have and do morph from casual, online “strangers” into deep and meaningful friendships, collaborations and relationships. And man, I am ever thankful for that – what an amazing collection of people, personalities, information and experiences these people have brought to my life!
Thanks for the thought-provoking topic, Seth.
Shelly
Hi Shelly, I think you might be disagreeing with elements you found in the comment string. I fully believe that we can take Twitter relationships and turn them into real friendships. You’ve done that and seem to really look forward to doing more of it. It’s cool, isn’t it? Meeting people face to face, spending time with them, and figuring out all the stuff you never would have known had you only interacted online? I think it’s cool.
“to say that those friendships started on Twitter, or anywhere else similar aren’t “real” is really, in my opinion, somewhat short-sighted.”
Where did I say that?
I think your point while controversial, is correct. However, I do believe exceptions exist to every rule. For example, @ShellyKramer is someone I don’t know, yet I consider a dear friend. As my mom struggles with cancer, Shelly made her a beautiful bracelet (not a simple one, a piece of jewelry) and asks for her often. On top of that, she has always made time to talk to me either by phone or by email. If your point is that our friendship, existing only in a 140 character world, is not a friendship, then I would agree. I don’t believe you are addressing people that meet on twitter and foster relationships on more communicative platforms from there, which is what I believe many commenters are addressing. I see those two scenarios as apples and oranges. If that didn’t make sense, anyone that I consider a friend from Twitter I have moved on to much more effective and personal methods of communication with.
We’re on the same page, Matt.
Discover on Twitter, foster friendships through other platforms. It’s about adding context, or as Tamsen calls it; dimensions.
Well! I’ve been trying to figure this whole thing out for on to about a year now… and I think mainly what People Who Tweet want, is an audience of sorts, more than “friends” — but at least a friendly audience, thus recipro-following happens and there is born a slight relationship.
As I went along, I’d pick up someone from left field and if they seemed interesting, I’d follow back… which still seems to be my mode here, although I’ll admit to mainly being audience more than speaker. I’m up to about 100 followers, Wheee! But I sorta doubt that any of them even notice my occasional spittin’ in the tornado.
Earlier on, Seth followed me, I indeed found him int’resting, and then followed back, and when he dropped me, along with about 44,999 other folks, I went “Hey!” And I watched as he then proudly pounded out his reasoning for this. Still — I felt slighted! So you expect me to be stuck with you, without you bein’ stuck with me? “Hey!” again!
I s’pose it’d be nice if I posted something and then Seth noticed it and went, “Well, that was a right nice Tweet he said there,” and life went on. But, he still puts out thoughts that are intriguing to read, even if I also agree with whomever posted the picture of some prickly pears and declared it to be “him.” It’s a train of thoughts I’m not getting from, say, Tila Tequila or Courtney Love, or even Tony Robbins.
I only tweet like, once a week or so Seth — is it gonna KILL ya to endure my output? Inconsequential though it may be? Yep, I’m still grumbling about being de-followed! (Almost sounds like being deflowered, but, uh-uh!)
Well, whether or not you do, I forgive and offer outstretched hand. Friends?
I like to add context by interacting personally. Strange (especially for a girl I know) but I really do not like talking on the phone, I don’t instant message, or Skype. But I love meeting new people and sparking conversations online via Twitter and Facebook that I can then take offline. In really wish that I could meet every person that I talk to online at some point in my life. I just think how cool that would be! I go to local tweetups and when I travel I try to see who is about that might like to meet up for a drink or give me suggestions on what to see and do.
I also love that you mentioned snail mail. I’m a letter writer and constantly send handwritten letters and postcards to my friends – most importantly – for no reason other than to say hi. It makes their day and makes me smile that they’re happy =)
(Id totally help move a dead body. Im just sayin’)
Im not sure if Im cautious, cynical or just plain odd.
I tend to classify the majority of my online “friends” (onces Ive not met in person and for sure ones Ive not built the added dimension/context of an email rel. with) as STRANGERfriends.
People who are important to me (I wont deny that. I look forward to many of these interactions) but whom Id not even recognize were they to pass me on the street.
99% of my virtual relationships are like 100 calorie packs.
ephemeral.
not filling.
make me MORE HUNGRY.
I’d totally help move the dead body, too. But only if Carla’s there to provide context, fast-talking alibi and of course, to do the heavy lifting. I’ll take the legs. Maybe just one.
P.S. Carla, there were four mommies working out together at the park today and I tried to take a pic of them to tweet to you, but you shoulda seen the look (times four) I got when I held up my camera to snap it. It was “no-go.”
But anyway, I thought of you, outside of twitter, and was almost beaten to death by four strong mommies just to get you a pic.
And if I had been, I’m confident you and Simonds could have moved the body.
Great convo.
Seth, I think you have good points — certainly, I don’t claim to have thousands of friends just because I’m following/being followed by thousands (even some of my “friends” on Facebook, I’d argue, are really nothing but acquaintances, including that ex-boyfriend I didn’t talk to for 17 years… until he friended me on Facebook). However, I don’t believe that Twitter-only relationships are, by necessity, not friendships. With a goodly bit of @ banter and a few direct messages, I think some of my Twitter relationships (even the one with you
have moved into the realm of friendship. the same is true of flickr, for instance (perhaps the photo constitutes the extra layer of context you desire?); I consider a few of my flickr buddies to be some of my dearest friends.
There are some Twitter friends about whose lives I have pretty deep knowledge, and yet I still haven’t met in person (largely because of geographical limitations). I feel that, were I too happen upon one of these people at my farmer’s market or a mythically awesome cocktail party, we would be instantly comfortable thanks to our years of shared casual anecdotes and life’s milestones.
maybe I’m just bad at commitment and a phone avoider (I am!), but I believe that the “ambient social awareness” afforded by Twitter can often provide a special kind of friendship based on that shared knowledge of each others’ lives and idiosyncrasies. I’m not friends with Dooce because I follow her on Twitter. but I’m friends with you, and @tbeckett, and @madnessisay, and… and…
I will have to read all these comments later when I have more time, but I was able to read a few. You initiated a facinating discussion to be sure.
I agree, that even though the people we interact with via communication on Twitter are great people; and we may get to know their personalities, interests, opinions, etc.; and some of the ingredients that make up a friendsship, such as support, encouragement, caring, etc, can be present, I would stop short of calling the interaction a friendship. We need to create a new word for it. Has anyone used the word “twittership” yet?
On another note, though, I am observing what appears to be a developing friendship/attraction between two young people. So I guess friendship on Twitter could become a possibility, but it would need to be further cultivated outside the parameters of Twitter. This is just my opinion, for what it’s worth.
Good food for thought! I do enjoy your posts.
~Kathryn
Ha! I have to stop coming by here because I am supposed to be working on a blog post and making progress on a new project, yet you now have me thinking (& procrastinating) on a deeper level…
Just like a massive cocktail party or hotel lobby filled with people, I think Twitter is about connecting and reputation building. If you like what I stand for or what I say based on my Tweets, then perhaps there is room for further interaction and growth of a friendship.
For the record, if I was not in the Caribbean, I’d certainly help you move a body or buy ya’ a cup of coffee.
[...] people, but doesn’t really provide the forum to develop those connections into actual friendships. Facebook, on the other hand, is a bit slower, but where it lacks in speed, it totally delivers [...]
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[...] Are We Friends On Twitter? | seth simonds Nice, Are your twitter friends really, well, friends? [...]