If you logged into Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, or any number of social networking sites and declared, “I’m having a terrible day” what would the general reaction be?
The fast pace of social media rewards emotional extremes. Users are either very upbeat or quickly trip into heated discussions with resident trolls. There’s little room for regular people to have a bad day and reach out for a kind word. When they finally do reach out, responses are often obligatory in nature.
Don’t believe me? Try telling your friends and followers that you’re having a bad day. A small percentage will offer to listen. The rest will bludgeon you with well-intentioned factoids about how good your life is (as if they knew) and how you should smile and be happy.
But sometimes we just don’t want to be happy. We want to feel sadness. Perhaps we even need to feel it in order to work through a personal struggle.
Those are the times when true connections are revealed. Want to be a better friend online? Here are a few tips I’ve found useful in my interactions with others.
- When somebody admits to sadness, follow my Aunt Dorothy’s advice: “When a friend is sad, use the two’s. Keep your one mouth shut, breathe through your two nostrils, listen with both ears, and watch with both eyes.” My aunt has a tendency to run over household pets with her car but she’s a savvy listener and friend to many. Most of us tend to quickly judge situations and offer unsolicited advice. Stop. Use your “two’s” and offer to listen first.
- Offer to take a conversation to another level. You don’t need to spend an hour chatting on the phone or meet for coffee. A few minutes will do to show that you care and want to help. Seeing the smiling face of a caring friend, even when it’s through a video chat screen, can work wonders to peel away some of the sadness we’re all cloaked with at times.
- Don’t say anything if you don’t have the time to follow through on your offer to help chase away the sadness. Sharing misery online is a big step for most people. Don’t make them regret the risk by reaching out only to shrug them off because you’re busy.
It’s easy to talk about authenticity and the need for transparent conversations online. However, the reality is that we filter our interactions and hold back on many bits of conversation and emotion that might be construed as uncool or depressing.
Am I suggesting that you should make an effort to say depressing things online? Not at all. But if you happen to see someone in your network hint at having a bad day, try reaching out with a smile.
The people who are comfortable with us being sad are usually the best at making us happy. I like the idea of having a network that knows how to make me smile.
What about you?
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July 15th, 2009 at 10:44 pm
I think this is pretty on point, particularly the parts about how to be a better friend. But I think there are also online circles where sadness is the norm. Indeed, join some groups of teenagers and see if everything is all peaches and roses. They are angry, dejected, and angsty, and often this is amplified online due to perceived anonymity coupled with the ability for their cries for help to actually be heard (though often not responded to).
Tony Hsieh's blog post about how Twitter has made him happier is also a good counterpoint to this article.
http://blogs.zappos.com/blogs/ceo-and-coo-blog/...
July 15th, 2009 at 10:56 pm
Hi Mike,
Yes. There are spaces that cater more to the angsty types. Surf through myspace a bit and read a few blog posts. Quite the experience in human emotion. Watching a teenager discover the intricacies of a wakeful intellect is a bit like watching a 2 year-old toddle around a kitchen banging pans and touching the hot stove. Educational at best.
Thanks for including Tony's post. His is very much dedicated to Twitter and using the platform to find happiness. I'm all about finding happiness except for the part where people often build stronger connections through shared experience and admissions of sadness.
We'd all smile if somebody gave us a million dollars. We differ in the amount we could lose on the way home without losing that smile. Hope that makes sense.
Thanks!
July 15th, 2009 at 11:17 pm
You had me until that bit about Aunt Dorothy running over your pets – apparently a number of times? ugh, talk about something to be sad about.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:53 am
Thank you for this. I am currently thinking alot about the sadness of one of my friends – and it is sadness rather than depression. Your words have reinforced for me the feeling that I think I am doing the right thing by him. I so can't find a solution for his situation and I was pretty sure that that is not what he is looking for from me. And thinking about your Aunt Dorothy's advice I am now very sure of that.
So while I am not interacting with him “online” I think your message is just as applicable to me.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:08 am
Not my pets, thankfully. Some tears caused for others though.
July 16th, 2009 at 8:10 am
Sounds like you're doing an awesome job of being a good friend. It often takes more effort and care to be a quiet support than to jump to conclusions and offer unwanted help or advice.
I hope things work out for your friend!
July 16th, 2009 at 9:42 am
Wow Seth, great post. Spot on. Your Aunt Dorothy has some great advice there!
I have to admit, this is precisely the reason I've disappeared lately. You can't really talk about that sort of thing online, almost like it's 'socially unacceptable' to have a bad time. So when I'm depressed I drop out of the online world for the most part.
And “The people who are comfortable with us being sad are usually the best at making us happy. ” is so absolutely true.
July 16th, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Interesting post. I think there is some really great advice in here- in particular, the importance of “following through” on your support by meeting the person, video conferencing… etc. The thing is, while I think this advice is valid in almost all cases, I have also seen others where “sadness” posting becomes a repeated norm even after the network in which it is being posted consistently responds back in very proactive, considerate, “make Aunt Dorothy proud” kind of ways. I suppose this would be one thing if that network was also a support group, but the cases I am specifically referencing are ones that occur in public networks like Twitter and Facebook.
In these situations there seems to be a very real (and perhaps needed) call for attention but I find it difficult to know how to respond since I worry that I am feeding a vicious cycle in which extremely negative posts/tweets/status updates are consistently rewarded with positive attention…
July 16th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I was just thinking about this last night – how timely of you.
I'm particularly curious about how the broader-scale 'denial of negativity' I see within the social web will effect our collective emotional health in the long run. Exposing your emotional baggage out in the open is hardly an effective way to amass followers and earn positive attention. As such, people tend to portray themselves as bulletproof within these channels and rarely expose any of their weaknesses.
I'm no therapist, but this certainly doesn't sound like it will result in a healthy measuring stick for the average identity to live up to.
July 16th, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Crazy, crazy Auntie Dot! =) She's wonderful.
As we grow accustomed to communicating electronically and figure out who's there for the distance and who doesn't care, I think it'll become easier to reach out when we're having a bad day. It just takes some work and a lot of patience. Most relationships are like that though.
I'm glad to see you! You have a very brave blog. =)
July 16th, 2009 at 4:03 pm
I know exactly what you mean. In those instances, I think the last point comes into play. That is, if you don't have time to deal with it, don't begin to mess with it. Sometimes a good friend does a bit of shoulder-shaking and reminds one of the necessity to seek the good in things and find ways to smile. It's not all back pats and coos. You know?
The idea of a Facebook or Twitter “support group,” for some reason, scares me a bit. What an odd dynamic. =)
July 16th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Bulletproof…yep. That'd be me. In fact, just last week…. =)
It's always a healthy thing to take some time offline and pursue analog interests, I've found. I know I appreciated my desk more after a weekend of hiking than I would have otherwise.
As for social dynamics, it seems the the insular nature of web interactions brings out extremes. Not sure it causes any permanent changes though. Life is full of quick fixes for swollen heads!
July 17th, 2009 at 5:17 am
Good point. Actually, it's funny about this “Facebook/Twitter” support group thing. To be honest, when I wrote it out, I actually thought to myself that it might not be a bad idea for there to be online support social networks. Granted having one a popular, public social network would be pretty odd
, but imagine if you could make little avatars and code usernames and then just be able to use the network for support/advice? Potentially a truly Anonymous “AA” 
?
July 18th, 2009 at 2:08 am
Yes, I do admit to sadness but I try to make it funny! Who wants to read the ramblings of a depressed person? Personally I'd like to inspire and uplift other people and complaining isn't the way to do it. Of course, we all have down times and there is a time for serious introspection but it needs to be tempered with upbeat stuff too. As for sad friends, I think just being there and acknowledging their sadness is the way to go. An interesting, thought provoking and brave post. Thanks, amigo, Annabel Candy
July 21st, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Seth,
(How did I miss this post?!)
Two grandparents passed away within a week of each other, end of May / early June. This year was the second anniversary of their deaths. I posted a little blurb on Twitter, and you noticed, Seth. It made all the difference in the world. Truly, thanks.
I do unfollow / unsubscribe feeds of those who have sad days _every day_…. because often, they're often not really sad/bad days.. they are a series of mole-hill inconveniences and petty complaints. I wouldn't be caught dead posting such whining online, and certainly not spewing such things in real life.
Before vocalizing sadness or complaining (in real life or online) I ask myself:
1. Should I be sad/upset or am I just complaining?
Is the situation really as bad as I'm thinking it is? Or, am I just PMSing or being affected by outside circumstances that are making the situation seem larger than it really is?
2. What is my purpose in my saying this?
Examples: Honoring people whom I loved, pointing out a problem yet offering a solution for the benefit of others OR asking for help in finding a solution, turning a sad/bad situation into a comical situation (like my Pharmaceutical Adventure post) or to encourage others who are in the same situation, or capturing a particularly sad moment to remember it forever.
2. Will posting this hurt those who read it? and b) do I have permission from the person to mention the situation if it's particularly obvious as to whom I am referring? c) especially if it was a private or sensitive situation?
If there is an ongoing conflict or point of sadness that needs to be resolved, venting online, especially without doing anything to resolve the situation first, doesn't help. It just makes the situation _worse_.
3. Have I done everything within my power to resolve the situation in person before talking about it online (that is, with others)?
- – -
When I read posts on sadness, I look to see how people are coping with sadness – especially, the real, profound kind. I wonder how life changes affect people – job loss, loss of a loved one, a very disappointing circumstance after trying very hard for something, how parents cope with children abusing drugs, etc. I am fascinated by constructive ways to express sadness. I like to see how people capture the exact feelings of the moment — beyond, “I'm sad”.
One of my favorite blogs, http://6yearmed.blogspot.com/, is by a med student who works in the children's (Grammar Girl answered my question this week! I CAN now write “children'S without losing sleep!) cancer ward. She journals interactions with young patients who are dying (identities protected). I have learned a lot _about life_ from reading about that kind of sadness.
Great question, Seth. Thanks for posting.
July 23rd, 2009 at 10:47 am
Hi Annabel!
I think we as humans find it much easier to relate to negativity online than to any of the positive stuff. There's some sort of balance to be found between trying to encourage others and letting them know that I appreciate encouragement sometimes, too. It's a balance I'm still looking for. Sometimes I nearly find it and those are the best times.
thanks!