Are you a throbbing member of your online community? Sexual energy is hard to control, often spontaneous, and one of the most-abused tools in communication. In the right hands, it can add joy to conversations, inspire interaction and drive a business forward. But this discussion isn’t about positive uses of innuendo and the power of sex to sell. It’s about Social Media, the reality of sexual harassment, and a few steps you can take to protect yourself.
Social Media offers connectivity with countless people in real time. It also offers nearly unlimited opportunities for you to cause harm to others while wreaking havoc on your personal brand, employment, and financial situation. You can say anything that comes to mind. In fact, you’re constantly encouraged to say whatever is on your mind and publish it as creative content. Unfortunately, many otherwise brilliant users of Social Media are combining their enjoyment of sex with a willingness to share their thoughts in inappropriate ways.
I recently conducted an informal poll of 25 professionals active in Social Media. My question was simple: Have any of your interactions with other professionals through Social Media resulted in inappropriate remarks of a sexual nature? 21 Responded with a “yes” and provided at least one detailed example. Of those responses, 17 went on to describe repeated sexual advances made through private social media channels. 9 Used “harassment” to describe a particular situation.
Note: Emails, Twitter-DM’s, and Facebook messages that might otherwise be treated as confidential have a way of joining the public domain when they contain inappropriate remarks. Consider yourself warned. For some of you, the damage has already been done.
Why is Social Media such a magnet for sexual harassment?
- People say things online that they’d never have the nerve to say in a face-to-face encounter. The insular effect of interacting through a media device exacerbates existing tendencies for inappropriate behavior.
- Social Media is promoted as a “cocktail party” that warms things up for a connective orgy between consumers and brands. Responsible engagement is only a catchphrase for PR campaigns.
- Most participants have only a vague sense of responsibility. “It’s not real life.”
- Everything is recorded. In this case, “you say it best when you say nothing at all.”
- Everybody filters. Somebody telling you a lot of things does not mean they’ve told you everything. You can count on that.
How do we know what counts as sexual harassment? The EEOC has detailed discussions about sexual harassment in the workplace. I think their 5 primary qualifiers of sexual harassment carry over to Social Media nicely. [bold text from EEOC site]
1. The victim as well as the harasser may be a woman or a man. The victim does not have to be of the opposite sex. - Example: Bill constantly tweets about what he’d do to George if they shared a prison cell - There’s no hard-and-fast rule about what specifically counts as sexual harassment. It’s all about perception. If you snickered as you sent it, there’s a good chance you should have deleted your remark instead.
2. The harasser can be the victim’s supervisor, an agent of the employer, a supervisor in another area, a co-worker, or a non-employee. - Example: Rhonda sends Mike daily emails about what she’s going to do to him next year at SXSW. - We’re all familiar with the idea of sexual harassment between two people in the same company. The reality of sexual harassment is that it can take place anywhere. If it involves you, it counts. If it happens on Social Media and is tagged with your name, anybody with web access will know about your behavior. A bit of fear is an appropriate response to this information.
3. The victim does not have to be the person harassed but could be anyone affected by the offensive conduct. – Example: Corinne sees Dave leaving lewd remarks on Jessica’s Facebook photos and takes offense. – This should also serve as an important reminder of the “lurker principle.” Namely, that the people you want paying attention to you are usually watching you when you’d least appreciate it. Twitter is very dangerous in this respect because it’s hard to give proper context in 140 characters. Your followers will see the tweet on its own and judge you accordingly.
4. Unlawful sexual harassment may occur without economic injury to or discharge of the victim. – Example: Sandra makes cruel remarks on FriendFeed about Susan’s frigidity but thinks it’s okay because it has “nothing to do with work”. – In the case of Social Media, you can almost always count on economic injury happening to the harasser. It may come in the form of settling a lawsuit and paying the victim or in a long-term payout of lost trust and negative press.
5. The harasser’s conduct must be unwelcome. - Example: Every time Peter meets a new woman online he remarks about her physical appearance. Alaina thinks he’s disgustingly creepy but is too nice to say anything. - How can you know if your words or behavior will be welcomed? It’s impossible to know for certain. Your best bet is to keep the sex out of your Social Media interactions–all of your interactions, actually–and build enough trust within your community to survive any damages sustained from minor mistakes.
How can you keep yourself out of trouble? A few tips to help you moving forward.
- Treat private messages as if they were public. There’s a solid chance they’ll go public anyhow if you start talking dirty.
- Assume a prospective client is closely tracking your behavior online. Just like your daily routine would change if you had a TV news crew following you around, it’s a good idea to behave as if you’re being watched. You are. It’s not Big Brother…it’s a possible paycheck.
- Being married does not give you license to make any sexual comment you like. It’s actually a double-loss because knowledge of your marriage makes you seem more like a degenerate predator instead of just a classless creep.
What if you’ve already harassed somebody?
If you’ve already gone too far–and there are a lot of you out there–it’s time to set things right. A thoughtful apology followed by consistent good behavior is the best way to dig yourself out of any hole. If you have the chance to request forgiveness before being called out for your behavior, do it and do it quickly.
One of the beauties of Social Media is its power to spread a story. Do everything you can to make sure the stories we spread about you are ones you can be proud of.
I’m interested in your thoughts and will reply to your comments. As a side note, please don’t use names in your remarks. I like to keep things as positive as possible. Thanks!
I think we need to make this required reading for everyone on any social networking site! I don't know how many Facebook wall posts I've had to delete, people to block on Twitter, and( a first for me yesterday) block a person on Facebook for saying things that were just, well, not something that you'd want someone to say to your face but they felt fine saying it online! Nice post!!
Typically, topics of this nature never really gain a lot of momentum in social networking/bookmarking/media because most of us–myself included–enjoy pictures of frogs eating Christmas lights more than thinking about a serious topic.
Don't take any crap from anybody and feel free to let them know when they're out of line. Some people are just thick and have no sense of the line btw humor and creepiness.
You, on the other hand, simply offer cupcakes to people. If it were possible to be cyberfat, I'd be a true online porker by now. =)
I'd like to begin by apologizing for what I said earlier…
Ok, seriously- kidding. Buuuuut…think you have some *excellent* points here, and while I'm not one of the 25 professionals consulted, I certainly could have added similar experiences.
You have quite the knack for picking topics.
Yes, you were one of the examples I used when talking to others. It's no big deal.
=P
(everybody else: I was joking. Michelle hasn't said anything to me involving skydiving, canola oil, and a rhinoceros. Really, she hasn't. There's your context)
Glad you liked it. It's been a back-burner conversation for some time now.
Great. Thanks Seth.
Now everyone knows about my secret desire to skydive while oiling up a rhinoceros. (platonically, of course)
There goes my social life.
=P
I think I've been on my soapbox so long about this issue, that I lost sight of the wake behind my own Twitter stream.
I saw the title of this post and thought I'd be yelling, Amen, but instead, I feel convicted. The thing about your writing, Seth, is that it's so un-soap-boxy. Your posts always feel like a genuine, we're-all-in-these-trenches-together-so-let's-keep-them-clean proposal, which allows me to reflect on what I do to contribute to both the problem and the solution.
I have a reputation for cutting remarks on Twitter. A lot of people, especially men, as they are most often the recipients, call it my “billy club.”
In March I was in Vegas and one of my Twitter friends, male, asked me:
“Did you bring the billy club?”
“It's in my suitcase if I need it, why?”
“You're so much nicer in person. I prefer you without it.”
“Then don't do anything to bring it out.”
“Why do you think you need it?”
“Because there are a lot of assholes on Twitter who say lewd things and I like to keep protection close by.”
“Ya know, a lot of guys get turned on by the billy club. Just so you know. You could just be nice.”
(Stopping in the middle of the street to turn and face him)
“I think you're probably right.”
And I still think he's probably right. But the truth is, I WAS really nice and REALLY naive when I came to Social Media. Innuendo went over my head, and often still does. But it doesn't take many dirty DM's after you feel you've established trust (and mutual respect) with someone to make a girl shop for a billy club.
But the point remains, I feel free to throw around innuendo on the public feed with people I know and trust and who I know realize it is all in jest. And then when someone I haven't “okayed” throws one back at me, I club them.
To some extent I still defend that I have the right to do so. There are things that are appropriate when trust and intimacy have been earned, and inappropriate when they have not been earned. If you walk by an unknown couple necking on a park bench, it's not okay to sit and join them. So please don't.
Lots of gray area on this one. Which makes it very interesting.
Thanks for starting the conversation, Seth.
Jen/@MissIve
I apologize for interjecting, but I really enjoyed your response. Ironically enough, I came back to see if I could delete my last comment because it felt somewhat inappropriate based on the topic. For now, I've left it. It was mine, I wrote it- might as well own it. What's interesting is *why* I was going to delete it. I know I am someone who enjoys innuendo when it's from someone I do trust, or think they will know when I'm kidding. While I'm fairly sure Seth knows I would never oil up a rhino while skydiving (sounds messy,) by repeating it then (or now- I could totally be making it worse) was I adding something best left unsaid?
Guidelines are great, but let's be honest- gauging what is or isn't over the line isn't an exact science. I so appreciate your response as you articulately expressed a large part of what was running through my own mind.
Very Grey Area.
~Michelle
Jen,
I'm glad you didn't feel like I was preaching. I'm not at all in a position to preach on this topic. It wasn't until I started asking people direction about their experiences that I realized how widespread an issue this is in Social Media. I had some apologies to make myself. Nothing huge, just confirming where I stood with people and making sure they'd taken things as I intended them. Positive feedback across the board. I was glad I bit down and got that over with!
So long as there are pigs in the forest, its best to keep a club with you. Just saying.
Intimacy is always a fjord filled with wet moss and snakes. If you have a pattern of thoughtful commentary and trusted compatriots, I think the little bumps are taken in stride.
I hope.
If not, I'm done for with the rest.
Btw, if I walk by a couple that I know necking on a park bench…I don't join in either. =)
Seth,
“Btw, if I walk by a couple that I know necking on a park bench…I don't join in either. =)”
See? And now I know THAT'S inappropriate. Learn something new here daily.
I'm really pleased to report that I've rarely been a victim of someone being sexually inappropriate. I copped it a few times when I was a cam girl many years ago (not the performing type, thankyouverymuch), but even then, I seemed to get it less than many. Perhaps _because_ I wasn't the performing type.
I have witnessed the rude online behaviour of many who certainly wouldn't behave that way face-to-face. I always figure they're gutless wonders who need to hide behind the anonymity of the internet.
Great article. Thanks.
Heya Seth,
Looking over this list I have mixed feelings; not many of them good.
We spoke briefly on twitter, specifically about the 3rd listed item. It seems that offending someone through interactions that don't even involve the offended party one could be found guilty of sexual harassment. — What? Really? That's disgusting! We're so bleeding heart over the feelings of others that we've made it illegal to have any strong feelings in the first place!
I understand that you don't want to sit and hear the sweet-nothings whispered between two people announced on a loud-speaker, but clearly when it comes to social networking we're at a point where one should be able to feel – to a degree – at home and open. They have ignore buttons and unsubscribe links for a reason.
Here, I see a list of rules and guidelines that are intended help the general user avoid stepping on the toes of another when it comes to the socially taboo subject of sex. I understand how there is no ill intent there, but I'm upset right off the bat just the same.
I'm upset that there is a perceived need for such a list, like this one, to exist. Shouldn't common sense come to play here? A simple social understanding of what is acceptable and what is not seems to be a much better suited guide, than a out-dated (and severely anti-male) legal overlord.
Are we really so backwards as people that we have trouble enunciating the word no, and telling others when we are uncomfortable – so much that we need to place a legal barrier to protect ourselves? Does it really instantly cross into the confines of sexual harassment when one is uncomfortable?
These are rhetorical questions. The answer is no. There is no need for this. It's an overreaction. You don't need to treat sexuality as if it were toxic. Sex is natural, and the emotions that go along with it are strong. One can only expect that complications should arise. But those complications are essential. These rules force sexuality into a dry and sterile world where emotions are forced into hiding, and relationships are nothing more than solemn head-nods and hand-shakes. It's depressing to see, because for all it's social implications and uncomfortable exchanges having a conversation on a sexual matter isn't sexual harassment – at least, it shouldn't be.
I'm not sure if this post is an exaggeration or something that happens on a daily basis. I only say this because thank god that sexual harassment hasn't been in my online stream. Great post, I'm passing this on to my followers.
“I always figure they're gutless wonders who need to hide behind the anonymity of the internet.” = one of the best phrases I've seen all day. =)
In spite of your ability to eloquently craft them an escape boat, I don't think it's quite necessary to let them off the blame island so quickly.
Decency and respect are always good things to learn. Even for wide-eyed cave-dwellers.
Thanks C!
Oh, don't get me wrong. It's not an escape boat for them at all! It's my way of giving them as little power (at least in my mind) as they deserve.
The “5″, as I noted on Twitter, are from an act written in the 1960's…not entirely an era known for it's legislative creativity.
Yes, common sense should come into play. Unfortunately, It doesn't.
Anti-Male? Where's the anti-male part of my post?
Are we backwards as a people with regard to social propriety and discussions of sexuality? I'm not sure. I certainly wouldn't have much of a case to make in arguing that we're very progressive.
Does it instantly cross? No. I'd hope not. I think you'd have a very hard time making such a lawsuit stick.
Sex is natural. Forcing it on others is intolerable. There are many people in Social Media who actually WOULD do well to limit themselves to solemn head nods and hand shakes. That would give those of us who do have control over our urges to carry on our fun conversations and enjoy each other without worrying about the pigs. And by pigs I don't mean “men”.
You said on Twitter that “The article was a biased, emotional, rant against men. If that counts as “having a point” then we're all in trouble.” and referred to the author as a “she”.
Perhaps a closer reading is in order before reacting? I think we actually agree on a lot of things. I'm a very un-PC dude who has yet to rant against men. I'm surprised that one could read this as such.
Hiya Dan!
I look at it as a mild discussion about a lot of very UNmild things I've seen recently. It's sad how many “professional” social media users have thrown their business sense to the wind by saying and doing things that a thinking professional wouldn't be caught doing. They've been caught. This is my friendly way of giving others a heads-up. It's up to them to read it.
Thanks!
When I said “The article was a biased, emotional, rant against men. If that counts as “having a point” then we're all in trouble.” I was not referring to this article. There is yet another article involved in the conversation I was having. That would be this: http://cereta.livejournal.com/652008.html
I hope that clears some things up.
The visual of your previous behavior is quite hysterical. Thanks for that! =)
I just checked that out…yep. Definitely an argument for the “violence inherent in the system” with typical buzzwords about patriarchy, etc. A few valid points covered in gasoline, lit, and rolled into a crowd of children for effect.
The only context I had was your and @hubbit's tweets so I'm sorry for not asking if there were more articles in play. Coming from that article I'd definitely raise an eyebrow at mine.
In college, there was a group of students that liked to hold slam poetry sessions during which they'd interact with scissors and adult toys to make a point about their feelings on patriarchy, etc. One day, they fenced off an area of the college green with signs marked “rape-free zone”. I still remember looking at those signs and wondering what they were supposed to do. Making a visible point doesn't always bring about the desired change, unfortunately.
Thanks for clearing things up! I very much appreciate it.
In reply to the other points;
“Anti-Male? Where's the anti-male part of my post?”
It's not your post, it's the laws they reference. I don't consider this post to be anti-male.
Quite a few people would disagree that we're not a progressive society. The culture surrounding sex has always been an ever changing, and very fluid, landscape. The oversensitivity displayed in these rules is just a mirror of a single backwards step in a grand forward movement.
I think you'd have a hard time making a lawsuit stick if you happen to be of the male persuasion. Otherwise, I'd disagree.
We've covered “forcing” sexual advances upon another person when we implement ignore features. Twitter has one, facebook has one, myspace certainly has one. So I'm wondering where you've found a social networking system that leaves a user powerless to ignore advances; or are we speaking only of users who are offended but are yet unmotivated enough that they don't block the offensive content? That's akin to someone reading a book they hate, then complaining about the author.
Michelle,
You should know these two things: I read your comments, from first to last. Second, I was engaged immediately.
“In the right hands, it can add joy to conversations, inspire interaction and drive a business forward.”
I love that Seth added this caveat. I left traditional marketing because every time I made a mark, in jest, nobody got it. They either took me literally and asked me out (while consulting their PDA, extracted from protective pocket gear), or thought I was a trollop.
Truth, I think innocent innuendo does keep things fun. And light. And smart people get it immediately for what it is. So in some ways, it's just another social media weeder. And I dig those.
So please call me when you're ready to Canola-up the Rhino, cuz I'll join you for a threesome-in-the-sky. Wink.
Jen
I'm glad to hear that. I try to be as balanced as I can.
http://www.eeoc.gov/policy/vii.html
Is the a portion of the Civil Rights Act of 1964…outdated in many ways. The Magna Carta was a big deal when it was first signed though. I think we're past the initial language of the Act and so deeply into the interpretation that a rewrite would be a very painful process.
As a society, in some ways, perhaps. Judging by the spread of STI's, unwanted pregnancy, and general lack of knowledge concerning all things sex, I'd say or society has a LONG way to go.
Only 15% of SH lawsuits are filed by males. I think it, like many things, has a lot to do with perception. Most guys like being hit on and are unlikely to feel physically threatened by a female. The same can't be said for many females.
You bring up an excellent point in noting the ignore features. Perhaps I should update the post with some strategies for those feeling harassed? I'd be up for that.
Thanks!
You are a champion! =)
I'm pretty certain I was rather clear in stating that Michelle didn't actually say that.
If you only knew what she'd actually said…well, yes, you'd probably be game for that, too. Trooper that you are.
What buckets of fun you all are.
+3 points for using the word “trollop,” as it's a favorite of mine.
Each of us possess a uniquely personal level of tolerance for suggestive content. That said, I think we'd all agree that none of us wish to be unfairly harassed due to our gender, age, race, and so on. Furthermore, I wouldn't want my friends, wife, mom, daughter, son, etc. subjected to inappropriate behavior, so we all need to be diligent.
In public, we stand up for the oppressed and call the offending behavior abhorrent. In the online world of anonymity and aliases, what happens in private can go unnoticed or undetected.
It's important to know that anything we do online is traceable and potentially public. Personally, I like knowing everything I say and do can be found by others. I have nothing to hide, so there's no duplicity to me. I do think it bears noting, however, that in our search/quest to build community, a few ill-intended folks can creep in. Just like we would if a new neighbor moved in across the hallway or street, it's important to be fair, friendly, and protective.
Trust is earned through demonstrated behaviors over time.
This was a very needed piece, especially where you mention that social media loosens the restraints and we slip into behavior we otherwise would instantly recognize as inappropriate. The freedom of communication in social media tends to go to our heads, and as we keep trying to be wittier then the last post, we tend to lose perspective as to where we've crossed the line. To keep on point here, the safest way to avoid sexual harassment is to handle with great care any communication that touches sexual matters. In a greater sense, this post should warn us against all types of inappropriate behavior, not just sexual. Thanks for taking on these difficult subjects.
Roger Hjulstrom / @booksbelow
I have mixed mixed feelings about this post. For one, there are solid points on keeping ones reputation clean. However, the cases covered on 3rd point marks a milestone when the social network becomes professional or too mainstream network. Each network moves to the point where safety of the member is ensured by enforcing strict behaviour rules, either by TOS or openess of the network. And this removes authenticity of behaviour.
To tell an example, we could compare early stages of most social networks with fraternity house party. And after a while they start to look like a party under supervision of parents/teachers and starts to loose their uniqueness. This is not a problem usually, as social network members grow up with the network, and new generations start to look elsewhere.
The point is, most of social networks attract very diverse crowd. Some of them are marketers, professionals, that try to keep professional image. However, one needs to have a thicker skin, and have good judgement how to present oneself and how to react to others.
What a relevant post, Seth.
This is great information for all of us. Social media has a guise of innocuousness when in reality it can be lethal. And often times, sexually inappropriate. My philosophy is listen to you gut, your conscience. If that doesn't have heft…put the proverbial spouse on your shoulder when you tweet, or mom.
My mother, sister, various relatives and countless clients follow me on twitter. Aside from knowing your audience when you tweet, it is also important to know what to DO when you feel harrassed. Speaking from experience here…this is what I did, but I am certain there are better ways that you can suggest.
1) First, accept that no tweet/@reply/DM is without intention and consequence free.
2) When a serious violation ensues, tell the violator that what you are hearing is not appropriate, or uncomfortable or whatever.
2) Contact the Twitter staff. (contact @Jon_Aston he pointed me in the right direction) You may have to send them an @ reply to solicit a follow so you can send them a DM which will seem like an eternity but rest easy it is a step in the right direction.
3) Breathe. Breathe. DM me if you want at @fleurdeleigh and I will help in any way I can. Been there. Overcome that.
4) Take a candid look at what actions/tweets you may have taken to put you in this unsavory situation. Don't. Do. Them. Again.
5) Move on. Learn from your situation and grow.
Thank you, Seth. You make this place better every day.
Leigh C
“Personally, I like knowing everything I say and do can be found by others. I have nothing to hide, so there's no duplicity to me.”
And that, David, is why you rock out. =)
Good reminders across the board & I'm trying my best to keep the “fair” and “friendly” as vibrant as the “protective”.
Thanks!
Great post! A little reminder about how easy it is to do it but the damage it causes to the person especially and yourself. Yes swallow your pride and apologize. I actually apologized for bad behavior 12 years ago through social media and now we converse through SM once every couple of weeks. Believe me it is hard but you are a better person for humanity when you get over yourself.
Thanks for the tips now lets go forth and play above the line!
WHAT you had this problem….awww man where are they at lets get um. Ok not really but I am really sorry that happened to you. Some people are idiots. You should have to take an idiot test better jumping into the mix….there would be a lot less MLM'ers out there.
Yes, it can go to our heads as you say. I've seen a similar issue with people referring to each other online as “BFF's” which is something I have yet to see in a real business situation.
Nobody walks into a boardroom to do an important presentation and introduces their co-presenter as “My BFF, Jerry”…or do they? I haven't seen it yet.
There are people who use Twitter for business and those who use it for purely personal reasons. Because conversations happen between all of them…things can get a bit dodgy. I think it's possible to be friendly, professional, and conversational all at the same time though. Just takes a bit of effort.
Thanks Roger!
Really great points on the evolution of a social network. I think there may be some danger in losing vigorous conversations that wouldn't happen with declared identities. The other kind of “authenticity,” that is, being a pig online just shouldn't be encouraged.
Will it happen, yes. Is thick skin good? To a certain extent, yes. I think so. I just hope that when the point comes where a person truly feels harassed and wants to say something that they say it and we support them in their expression.
Harassment should never be allowed to thrive in the name of “diversity.” Should it? I hope not.
@Leigh – Holy cupcakes, you're a wise woman! I'm sorry for the situation that created the need for your list but I'm delighted you were willing to share it. Really great advice. Thank you.
@Keith – Let's not leap to blame MLM's for everything…even though it's convenient. =)
And even avoid it. Leigh makes a great point about having the “spouse on your shoulder” as a way of keeping ones thoughts to oneself.
100% on going forth and playing. Always good to have fun, sir!
Article on social media and sexual harassment. Particularly like the comment by @MissIve
Opps, sorry about my last my comment which sounded like a tweet. I thought I was twittering that so I shall leave a real comment now.
Thanks for taking he time to write the article Seth. It was filled with some great stats (people you surveyed), scenarios and advice. The commentary has been great and I'm glad people are being so candid.